Comparing the way that the genders think

Being the father of two grown boys and two grown girls, I find myself acutely aware of the expectations and preconceptions that society imposes on people, based purely upon their gender. To counteract the effect of those stereotypes, I often say that I’ve taught my boys to be “sensitive” and my girls to be “tough”. That’s a huge oversimplification, but you get the idea.  

Suppose that we want to go beyond that, though. Then where do we start? Perhaps we need to understand which of our gender-based behavior patterns are taught and which are instinctive. Of course, this brings us back to the age-old issue of “nurture vs nature”. 

As someone who meditates, I’ve learned that there is a big gap between the actual  reality and what we think is real, what we’ve been told is real or what we assume is real. This is what meditators may refer to as “clarity” and, while it can typically be painful to accept, it also provides a solid foundation upon which to build our emotional well-being. 

Similarly, I believe that the other cornerstones of meditation are “detachment” and “mindfulness”. While the former allows us to experience life without getting too “caught up in the drama”, the latter reminds us to always appreciate what we have.  Another popular interpretation of mindfulness is to live in the present moment, rather than to dwell upon the past or the future.

In fact, to me the key to meditation is to not dwell on anything at all and thus to be free of what’s commonly referred to as the “monkey mind”. But that’ll be the topic for another conversation. For now, the reason that these ideas are relevant involves how we perceive ourselves and the world around us.     

From the day that we’re born we’re bombarded with images, sounds and sensations that are intended to be specific to our gender. Throughout their lives, boys and girls are dressed differently, handled differently and spoken to differently.

Thus most societies generally expect girls to be made “pretty”, via the way that we dress or adorn them, how we arrange their hair and so on. They’re generally expected to “nice”, an ambiguous term which tends to mean that they should demur, not be aggressive or violent, stay clean, not make trouble, etc.       

On the other hand, the expression “boys will be boys” suggests that they can get away with a lot that the girls would be punished for. Boys can generally fight, swear, get dirty, be loud and play tricks on people, without risk of serious repercussions.

Conversely, pain and suffering are acceptable conditions for boys, but not for girls. “It’s good for him”, people will say. “It’ll teach him to be a man”. Until the age of five or so a boy can at least cry, but after that he must be stoic and bear the discomfort without flinching. 

Meanwhile, we’re supposed to shield the girls from anything unpleasant. They’re encouraged to be squeamish and avoid anything messy, dirty, sticky, bloody or painful.  It gets worse as the girls grow up, when we shield them even more, lest they become “hysterical”.

Really?  So they’re telling us that to rave and rant like a lunatic is to behave in a way that’s associated with the female reproductive organs. After all, that’s where terms like “hysterectomy” originate.  Um no, I don’t think so. Ask any kid who’s been calmed down in a crisis by their ever-loving mom.

Likewise, if we’re in a testosterone-laden environment then everybody must be at each other’s throats, right? Well, that’s equally absurd. After all, being male doesn’t mean one will be violent any more than being female is a sure sign of hysteria.   

Sure, I get it … on average, males are more likely to get physical and females are more likely to be emotional. Duh.  But that doesn’t mean that all of us behave that way, any more than we’re all the same height or weight.

We can all strive to be better, or at least different from what we’re expected to be. For example, I marvel at how women talk so freely about how they feel. Guys role their eyes and pretend to be asleep when asked to describe their emotions, but women thrive on it.

Yet isn’t it obvious that men would be more emotionally healthy if they just talked about their feelings more, instead of repressing them?

Another example is how women are conditioned to constantly be aware of how they look.  Men are amazed at the amount of time, effort and money that women put into their appearance. “Yes”, the women will say, “but then the guys go nuts over the prettiest woman they see. That justifies the effort!”

Well, yes, there’s clearly some truth in the observation that men will gravitate to the most attractive women around … but does that really mean she has to be pretty in the classic sense? I’ve observed  many women who don’t necessarily have pretty features, but who are nonetheless beautiful, because of the way they carry themselves or behave.

Put another way, femininity does not necessarily emanate from clothing, makeup or jewelry. Rather, it comes from the person wearing them. Someone who is attracted to females may be sub-consciously stimulated by their pheromones, the shape of their bodies, their facial features, the way that they move and so on.

Likewise, masculinity is not just a function of the clothes that a man wears … it comes from characteristics such as the way he carries himself, his self-confidence and how he behaves. Other factors – such as humor, intelligence, kindness, integrity, loyalty and reliability - can be attractive in any gender.  

Obviously the bodies under the clothing are also essential to the way that people perceive a given gender. In general, men are expected to be muscular and women curvy, but of course people come in all shapes and sizes. In fairness, it should be said that these days everyone is expected to be fit, regardless of their gender.

So, to summarize, this discussion has raised a lot more questions than it’s answered. In brief, the basic dilemma can be stated like this, “How do we break the stereotype, without losing those qualities that (we believe) define how attractive we are?”

Well, that’s certainly a good question!

However, the answer is complex, due to the nature of the problem. Let’s assume that at least some men yearn to cast off their macho image and some women wish that they could stop dressing up like dolls.       

How can they do that and still get the attention of the people they want to attract? To answer that question properly, we need to explore the very nature of what makes us who we are.   

By the way, this discussion applies to everyone, regardless of how they define themselves.  We live in a word where genders change and there are many states that exist between being male or female. My roots are French and I have to return to an expression that doesn’t translate quite right into English.

Ultimately, what we all seek is to be comfortable in our own skins. Next time, let’s talk more about what that entails … and how we can all support each other in that noble quest.